A guide to incorporating car talk into real life

For example, I know that if I holler ‘ball’ at prescribed intervals, my inappropriate shoes, pastel overcoat and GHD-styled hair are less grating. The same can be said for the world of cars and being forced to engage in jovial banter with passionate car enthusiasts.

So guys and gals, here’s a cocktail party guide to keeping up with the car talk. Car phrases explained and how to throw them like you mean it.

As you may have thought, it’s about tools. Full points. But quite generally, it refers to whether or not you’d take the tools (and requisite skills) to your car before sending it to the garage for someone to work on.

Yes Michael, a $250,000 car is impressive, but do you turn a wrench? Where’s the dexterous skill, Michael?

Or more specifically, launch control allows you to plant your foot to achieve the fastest possible ‘launch’ front standstill, with the least amount of wheel spin (and time wasting). Greater traction = immediate action.

If that girl can launch as well as she can skull beer, I may be in love. I wonder what she drives.

This is a technique reserved for cars with a clutch – preferably on a race track. The idea is to keep the revs up just as you’re about to change gears. The quickest and most seamless way is to let one foot do two jobs (using your heel and toe). Tap the accelerator with your toe while touching the brake with your heel. Lots say they do it - few do it well. Don’t attempt it.

Brenda, have you seen Susan’s shoes!? Of course I have, Anthea. She may have paid a fortune but they give her kankles and they’d be hopeless for heel-and-toeing.

If your car has a turbo, chances are it’ll take a few seconds (more than non-turbo cars) to hustle when you put your foot down. That’s called turbo-lag and historically it has copped much criticism. Newer cars with more sophisticated turbos suffer less from this type of performance lethargy.

Did you see Roger stumble for words when I asked about the bridesmaid’s dresses… it was conversational turbo lag at its worst. He obviously doesn’t care.

Who talks like this? A side effect of high-powered front-wheel-drive vehicles, torque steer is when your vehicle doesn’t steer as you expect… because the power delivery is messing with the wheels, resulting in an uneasy tugging feeling through the steering wheel.

I’m disturbingly full but no amount of torque steer will keep me away from that decadent cheese wheel. Stand clear!

If you buy entry-level, poverty is your middle name and you re-use tea bags. Not really. But poverty-pack is a phrase used to explain the stripped-back, bare minimum equipment grades you get in the cheapest model of vehicles. Think basic – but functional.

Did you see the pov pack canapés, Susan? Not a finger lime in sight.

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