Drivers we hate

Australians are among the worst drivers in the world. We know – we regularly drive overseas in a range of countries on crowded urban roads, fast, full highways and even the occasional donkey-cart-infested rural short-cut.

And the consistent thought we're all struck with – how poorly do people behave on the roads back home?

So, for your entertainment – and perhaps with the hope you'll identify a foible and fix it – here are the Aussie driver archetypes we love to hate…

On the streets of Australia, especially Melbourne, the nose pokers have emerged – the sorry-but-not-sorry gang.

Their tactic is to push into traffic by having the bonnet of their car protruding into oncoming traffic from side streets. They pretend to apologise for taking up around a quarter of the lane, blocking and holding up traffic, but on the inside they don't care. They have no qualms to create the potential for a collision and are just happy they're on their way more quickly.

Often they do it without even looking. A wave fixes everything, apparently…

It will probably take a truck, unable to brake in time, smashing into the front of these nose-pokers for them to learn that this behaviour is dangerous and disrespectful to fellow motorists.

It's peak hour. The city streets are the usual log-jam, and frustrations are rising. So when you do the decent thing and let another driver in in front of you, obviously easing back to open up a space for them, the least they can do is say a quick 'thanks', right?

Trouble is, today that basic tenet of courtesy and consideration, the simple wave, often fails to manifest. You grip the wheel a little tighter, the veins visibly beginning to pulse on your temples.

Surely they noticed your act of assistance, amid the cut-throat battleground of modern-day commuting? Did you not notice the quick flash of his hazard lights, perhaps? Did the window tinting and the sun's glare obscure his brief but relieved wave?

No. He's just a rude, entitled, ill-mannered and poorly bred tosser…

It's an actual road rule, people! And you're still going to keep right and go slower than the sign-posted speed limit?

Pull over to the side of the road, put the car in park and take a good hard look at yourself in the vanity mirror. Not keeping left unless overtaking is one of the reasons we have congestion, car accidents, and road rage.

It is also such a simple thing to do to ensure drivers and passengers stay safe on our roads – especially on our highways, which are in no way the world's smoothest or safest at the best of times.

So next time you're on a dual carriageway or highway, remember to keep left. Otherwise there will be another article written about your incompetency as a licenced motor vehicle operator.

It doesn't seem to matter if it's daytime, night, foggy or not, Australian drivers seem insistent on driving with the effing foglights on.

In the same way driving around with your high-beam lights on, driving with your foglights is illegal unless there's 'heavy fog or inclement weather'. This is the law, yet so many seem to flaunt it. Worst still, it isn't policed.

It's rude, selfish and pointless. It blinds people travelling the other way or following behind – because you really need those rear foglights on a lovely clear night.

If you use your foglights when there is no fog you're just a wanker. There's no other explanation. It's a wonder they're not called 'flog lights'.

Parallel parking is a black art many drivers still struggle to master. But it's even harder when old mate has positioned him or herself a metre from your rear bumper and is impatient to get past.

Even if it's not law, it's common courtesy to allow someone who is going to reverse parallel park some room to manoeuvre.

But no, a good proportion of drivers are in such a hurry they monster your rear bumper or (even worse) just keep on driving and try and squeeze past you mid-manoeuvre.

I've got a word for you lot – wait. The 15-second delay you'll incur while a driver backs his or her car into their parking space won't kill you.

Impatient pricks!

We see them every day: vehicles wobbling all over the lane, the driver's head bowed, a small screen lit in their left hand: the mobile-phone moron…

For other car drivers, their insistence that the latest social media update or, even worse, the text they're studiously compiling is more important and pressing than innocent bystanders' safety is nothing short of infuriating.

For motorcyclists and truck drivers, the ramifications of a distracted driver are even more extreme – just one brief meander from a car's given lane being all it takes to kill, to impact family and friends in their dozens forever more.

It can wait, you dickhead. Go searching for 'likes' from the safety of your lounge, not behind the wheel.

Merging isn't hard! It's like a zipper, people!

Australians have an almost total inability to merge into traffic – and the fault is from both sides. The drivers on our main roads are, frankly, as bad as those entering them.

There's a concept here that perhaps we can explain. If you are entering a main road via a filtered merge, the idea is to accelerate briskly to a similar speed to the main stream of traffic, indicate and slide on in…

If you're in the main traffic flow, it’s simply smart (and civil) is to leave a little room for your fellow driver. God forbid, perhaps even move over a lane and create extra space.

But oh no, what do most Aussies do? If they're merging, a couple of scenarios present themselves. Ironically, the most dangerous of which are the nervous nellies that can't or won't accelerate to merge and then at the last second chicken out and slam on the brakes.

Mind you, they're probably been frightened witless by the selfish bastards that take pleasure into slamming closed gaps and forcing mergers into the gutter.

Seriously.

Licence. Cornflakes packet.

WTF!