Five reasons NOT to buy a ute

If you think you need a ute because that’s what all Australians must do to reinforce their, um, [add anything you like here; we’ll just call it Great Mistaken Aussieness], then that’s just dumb.

In fact, utes are dumb. Dumb choice, that is, if you don’t really need a tray for carrying a blue heeler and other farm or tradie stuff.

It took us five seconds to come up with these reasons why not to buy a ute, especially if you live in the city, work in an office, or simply imagine that a big, impractical, gas-guzzling, anti-social specialist truck will be anything other than a BIGASS truck.

They’re big brutes but utes are pretty hopeless for carrying passengers and all the cargo that you don’t want to put in the tray to get wet or stolen, if there’s no decent tonneau cover or canopy. In which case you may as well buy a 4x4 wagon.

That goes for all ute body styles – single-cabs, the bit-more cabs they call extra-cabs or (ironically) super-cabs, and dual-cabs, which have tight rear seat space and aren’t real comfortable either. If you’re ferrying mates around on a regular basis, they’ll thank you for not buying a ute.

Let’s imagine for a moment you’ve bothered to refit the tray cover that came with your ute – and that it fits all nice and snug to prevent the rain, dirt, gravel and other filth that tends to find its way into every ute tub.

A soft tonneau cover is easy to slash with a steak knife, but why not simply undo the elastic loops or pull the tabs and help yourself to whatever’s in the tub?

Hard tonneau covers and canopies aren’t a whole lot better. They’re usually fitted with flimsy locks that aren’t linked to the central locking or any alarm that may be fitted (and probably isn’t).

Utes are big and heavy, so they need strong engines to shift all that lard. Most are diesel with lots of grunt, but they are hungry, thirsty, noisy, smelly animals.

If perchance the ute has a smallish petrol engine, it’ll have to work hard, so you can kiss goodbye any advantage there compared to other types of vehicles. There are no hybrid-powered utes yet, and no electric utes we’d recommend from the very few available so far.

As well as pain you will feel at the petrol station while tapping your plastic card against the winking light, utes often require more maintenance than other vehicles.

This comes back to their larger size and complex mechanical systems, especially with 4x4s.

Um, did we mention already that these things are big, heavy, brutish mechanical bullocks designed for a life of hard graft, carting loads around from one place to another and driving into the mulga for hunting, fishing, swagging, tree felling and trailbike transport?

They are built tough using heavy-duty components and specialist suspension systems, and yet people are fooled into thinking that such a beast of burden can also perform like a circus pony.

For ride comfort, handling, manoeuvrability, steering, braking and refinement, utes simply aren’t as good as cars and car-based SUVs – with or without a load – when it comes to driving in everyday situations.

No, if you don’t really need one, you’re not un-Australian if you don’t want to buy a ute. You’re smarter than most of the rest of us.