Gripe of 2015

WARNING: ACERBIC SOCIAL COMMENTARY

While you have to admire the effort vehicle manufacturers go to in developing electronic nannies to protect us from ourselves, the execution and performance of some of these aids leaves a lot to be desired.

Much of it comes from a lack of standardisation and obviously the fact there are some manufacturers with deeper R&D pockets than others. But from where we sit – jumping in and out of literally hundreds of cars a year – it's evident that some systems work with the driver while others cause nothing but frustration.

There are hill-hold systems that grab and linger more than they should, and idle-stop systems that do the same. Blind-spot monitors that overreact (seriously, I could squeeze a B-triple in to some of the gaps they rail against), and lane-keeping aids that seem intent on mowing-down unsuspecting cyclists, or beep incessantly when you so much as drift towards a white line.

Add to this automatic high-beam systems that either won't illuminate at all or are hell-bent on blinding the poor guy coming the other way, and self-parking systems that cock it up worse than a first-time learner.

It's little wonder one in five new vehicle owners admit to never using the majority of the technology on offer. If you have the time, JD Power wrote a terrific article about the millions car-makers spend developing technologies consumers never use.

Let's not forget grainy, low-res reversing cameras and over-sensitive acoustic sensors, indicators that think they know better than you and anti-collision warnings that jump at shadows. And don't get me started on radar cruise control – who doesn't love suddenly finding yourself travelling at 90km/h because the guy in front is busy on Tinder?

It's also concerning that vehicles are now dearer to repair after a small tap (sensor damage can be a costly fix) and that 'missioning' has seen home break-ins on the increase as thieves nab that high-tech key from your kitchen table in order to steal your wheels.

I honestly believe that most of the 'driver assistance' technology we seem to insist upon is a farce. Sure, there are those that save lives. I'd never for a moment suggest we do away with anti-lock brakes, stability control or autonomous emergency braking. However, the others are little more than a gimmick aimed at making mediocre 'drivers' feel safer than they actually are.

If you want my advice, throw some of the money into better teaching people how to drive. Get them to learn how their vehicle operates, to properly understand the road rules and to get off the Goddamn phone!

And if we can't manage that, well I guess I'd settle for a catalogue of driver aids that actually do the job for which they're designed.

What's your take on electronic driver aids? Join the conversation in our comments section below.