Holden fails to recruit Santa

Jolly old St Nick politely declined an invitation from GM's local brand Holden to assume the role to be vacated by Mike Devereux in February, the Lappland Dagesblad has reported.

Head-hunted for the role of Holden MD – in what one GM insider described as a 'hail Mary pass' – Santa admitted that running the show was a task beyond him, despite his acknowledged expertise in financial control, world-wide exporting and sustainable manufacturing. It has been alleged that Santa's refusal to take control of the floundering car company was the final straw, prompting General Motors to axe the local manufacturing operations.

Well known for his kindly disposition – particularly to 'Team Red' – the kindly old man wouldn't speak on record with motoring.com.au.

But a spokes-elf for Santa revealed that the demands of running the car-manufacturing concern were beyond the scope of Santa's ability, by his own admission.

"It's like this," the elf explained, "Santa's whole production base is vertically integrated. Holden's isn't."

"If an elf sets out to build a toy, there's none of this 'just-in-time' stuff or focus clinics rubbish... he just builds it – with his own hands and a feel for what will appeal to a child.

"If you're building a car, it has to be designed, engineered and assembled from thousands upon thousands of parts, and after endless consultation. I think part of the problem is that car buyers can demand what they want – whether they're naughty or nice.

"I mean, if a kid gets a present at Christmas and he says: 'I've got one already', or 'I really wanted an X-Box instead', the parents will tell him that if he keeps that up he won't get anything at all next year.

"But those same parents, when they buy a car, they're as badly behaved as the kids – if not worse. They argue that because they're paying good money they've worked hard to earn, that entitles them to having what they want... and not what they're given."

The elf hinted too that Santa was troubled by the high cost of labour in Australia.

"Australia truly is a worker's paradise," he said. "We work all year round to make toys for just one night – and the only 'dough' we receive is fairy bread!"

"Where's our shift penalties, our overtime loading, our remote location allowance? I know Adelaide is not everyone's ideal destination, but let me tell you, it leaves the North Pole for dead."

According to the elf, the best way to go from hero to zero is to head up a corporation caught between rising currency exchange rates, sliding market share and the lead times and investment associated with building high-tech products – because you can never hope to satisfy ministers, the public, your own workers, consumers and even the brand loyalists, let alone those who think the product sucks and that tax payers are being taken for a sleigh ride.

Santa, the elf ventured, would need a platoon of PR minders to save him from being portrayed as the Rasputin of the automotive industry.

"I think it will be a warm day at the North Pole before Santa takes on a thankless job like that," the elf remarked.

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